Here are five alternatives for asking the question “how does that make you feel?”. I'll guarantee the 4th one is going to surprise you.
How does that make you feel?
This is common question that trainee counsellors and counsellors can still get caught out by. It’s not uncommon to want to ask the question: “How does that make your feel?”. It is, after all, much of what counselling is about: to connect with your feelings and experience. However, it can be detrimental to the client if they cannot connect with their feelings. Or are even shut off from emotions due to an inability to know what they are feeling. This can cause the client to disconnect from the therapy as they might feel both isolated and attacked.
Don’t make your client feel stupid
Often students learning counselling skills will want to know what a person is feeling, yet it is possibly both unhelpful and traumatising for the other person. How might it be for you to not know what you’re feeling and to be asked to explain it? You might feel embarrassed, pressured, and at worst stupid for not knowing. Where is the therapeutic relationship in these moments? The answer is that is rupturing and requires repairing.
Importantly, it isn’t the role of the client to fix but the counsellor to reflect on their own challenges. To see where they must learn and then set about repairing the rupture with the client.
It's worth noting that, from a counselling perspective, nothing makes us feel anything other than the meaning or interpretation we have given it. Whilst this is achieved on a subconscious level through a range of personal experiences, it’s nonetheless not something that is done to us, but something that comes from us.
5 Alternatives to try
So, what is an alternative? What options are there that not only help the client connect with sensations they are experiencing but normalise their experience? Below are 5 suggestions for either trainee counsellors or qualified counsellors to consider.
1. What was that like for you?
Here we are offering a question which asks the client to investigate a bit further, but without being specific about a feeling or emotion; to just notice what comes up for them. It might be they can explore similar experiences and make comparisons. Perhaps even draw from other sources, movies, for example, and seek to explain their experience.
2. Are you able to tell me more about that?
This is a great phrase that invites the client to just explore a bit further their experience without giving them direction of emotional feelings. It's a gentle enquiry to them to just understand what may have been happening for them. It maybe they can connect with particular feeling but more importantly it's really broad open-ended question, allowing the client to complete it in any way they want to.
3. How did this affect you?
Subtle yet may evoke a rich response from the client as they begin to look at how it did affect them and what they noticed. Yet, as before, we’re not directly searching for a feeling word, just simply to listen to the client share whatever reflection seems relevant for them. A gentle invitation to explore what's happening, can internally for the client
4. Silence
To assist the client sit with the experience and allow them time to reflect, silence can be a useful counselling skill. Our training may tell us we need to have some response, however there are moments where there’s no need to respond. Just holding the space, allowing the client to simply explore what's happening for them may be enough for them to then come forward and share exactly how they were feeling. Silence is often forgotten, but the power of silence, of creating space for the client just to reflect is underestimated.
5. What kind of sensations do you notice?
And the last alternative: “What sensations do you notice?”. This can be an effective question as it asks the client to look not only to their mind but to any sensation they can notice. This may be from anywhere in their body. It can be the temperature of their skin, the tension in their shoulders. These sensations whilst not labelled with an emotion or feeling are powerful signals that can still be reflected and present an opportunity for further enquiry.
A word of caution
As with any counselling skill or technique, everything depends on the therapeutic relationship that has been established with the client. It may be that some of these suggestions aren’t applicable with your client, or even safe to use. Silence, as an example, needs to be applied with caution and sensitivity. A client may experience silence as punishment and be re-traumatised. Discretion, as ever, is critical in applying these or any counselling skill in your practise.
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